I know that what I want is to be wooed. I want the words "I love you" to be spoken without obligation. I want real love based on knowledge of the other person. I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in deep connections. I believe in falling in love with quirks and imperfections. Not in falling for the physical, based on sexual desires. I believe lust is too often mistaken for love. And I believe a person's desire to feel loved and important is far too often taken advantage of.

I know that you cannot love another and you cannot be loved, until you love yourself. I know this, because I learned it the hard way. I know this because I let a person take advantage of me, in every single way possible, because I was too insecure to understand the brevity of my actions. I wanted to be loved, desperately. So I ignored the small part of my heart that knew it was a lie.

I will not say that if I had a chance I wouldn't change anything. I would change everything. But I did learn something from the 14 months of hell I lived through. I learned that no one will treat me well, unless I make them. Unless I treat myself well. Self-deprecation and insecurity are not attractive. So therefore, I am not attractive. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. Sadness weighs you down. It has made my heart older than my 22 1/2 years. I don't want to be older. I want, for once, to be the age I am. I want that to be okay.

It has been 4 months since I left him. I am still plagued with nightmares. I dream that I am back in that house, but this time I cannot escape. I need this to be over. I want my life back.

I will be ok. I am determined to be happy again.

I don’t know why I’m writing this here, of all places. I think I need advice or a slap in the face. After this year I don’t trust myself at all anymore. I had fooled myself into thinking that I knew what I was doing. I lied to everyone, including myself. I made it seem like I was strong and able to take care of things on my own. I’m not. I’m so very far from it. I’m a horrible sham of a girl/woman.

Damius hit me, threatened me, and nearly killed me more than once. I told a lot of lies this year to cover up the things he did to me. I had to stay home from work several times. The thing is I knew better. I could see the abuse coming long before it did, and I stayed anyway. I stayed because I was afraid of being alone. I believed, and still mostly believe, that no one else will ever say I love you to me. I pushed away the truth. Damius is controlling and he never really loved me. He loved controlling me. I knew this. I knew it with every call he made when I wasn’t with him. I knew it when he demanded to know where I was at all times. But I stayed anyway. And I hate myself so much for that. What’s wrong with me?

 And then I... and things got so much worse. I lost... I broke up with Damius. I lost hope in everything. I am sad and confused and scared out of my mind. I spend everyday trying to stay busy enough not to think. I go out as much as possible, spending money I don’t have, so I won’t have to be alone with my thoughts. I feel broken. And Damius is still trying to be in my life. He called my house and left a message on the answering machine wishing me a merry Christmas. It took all my strength not to scream in front of my family. I can’t stand it much longer.

I don’t want to be in this city anymore. Too many horrible memories exist in this forsaken place. I had a life before he came into it, and I’ll be damned if I don’t have one now. I want to leave. But part of me feels as if that would just be running away and what good would that do?

But I don’t know how to pick up the pieces of my broken life. Even if I could, I’m not sure I want that life back. But what do I do? I miss the girl I was before, the girl who knew where to go when she didn’t know the answers. I’ve forgotten how to pray, too afraid that I’ve strayed too far. Is it possible? I wish I was as sure of myself as I try to pretend to be.

I don't remember the last time I wrote. If I took a second I could find out, but I don't really care. I miss my friends. I miss my life. I need more to my life than Damius.

I am usually a quick learner, or so I am told. It is strange, then, that I've yet to learn the one lesson that might actually save me from more pain. I cannot seem to learn not to trust in people too easily or too quickly. Nor can I learn to close my heart off.

In all things physical I am resolute in my convictions. My body is not a thing I give away easily or, indeed, at all. My heart is a different matter. With it I have no boundaries at all. I am emotionally "easy."

I wonder which is worse, a girl who has sex without thinking or a girl who loves and trusts without thinking.

I feel so bad because of it. It's not fair to any of us.

My daily life has become a futile attempt at remembering the passion with which I used to desire things.

A twelve year old who wanted her family back. A fifteen year old who wanted her best friend back. A seventeen year old who wanted high school to just end already. An eighteen year old eager to start a different life, a better life. A nineteen year old drowning under the pressure of too many past wants. Now twenty and I don't remember what it is to want.

I remember what I wanted, but time changes things. I let everything go without much of a fight. I don't seem to want anything lately. I run my life on autopilot; sleep, wake, work, study, eat.

How many years do I have left? Why don't I have any dreams left? I have no ambition. Twenty, nearly twenty-one, but I feel decades older. I feel weighed down with the exhaustion of an age I have not yet reached. Too old. Too young. Too tired. Too...

The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

So my little sister will be arriving shortly to spend the summer with us. I haven't seen her in over a year so this shall be interesting. My youngest sister, though, hasn't seen her for nearly 4 years and didn't even remember she had another sister. This shall be an interesting summer.

Speaking of summer, I hate it. I hate heat and wish very much to move to Alaska. I've developed a few freckles on the bridge of my nose. They're unnoticeable unless you look, but I still don't like them.

The job is working out okay. I don't have any real problems with it, so I can't complain.

So today at work an alarm went off. I'm not sure what it was for, but we weren't ordered to evacuate the premises or anything, so I think it's okay. Anyway, the beginning of the alarm sounded just like a car alarm. Being me, I laughed instead of being either scared or annoyed at the blaring sound. Do you know why I laughed? Because I immediately thought, "Hello..." I think you all know where I'm going with this. It was hilarious and totally made my otherwise boring day. In other news, I think I have weekends off from now on. Or at least until this lady FINALLY comes back from FMLA. I'm dying here!

Anyone read any good books lately? Aarika what was that book you mentioned the other day? I can't remember which entry that comment was made on. I need a new book. Actually, I need several new books. I go through at least 3 a week now, because there is absolutely nothing else to do on my breaks. Someone recommend something. Please. Otherwise I will be forced to re-read The Iliad and The Odyssey. I finally watched Troy a few weeks back and suddenly feel a need to read the damn epic poems I was forced to read, in their entirety, my freshmen year of high school. I have hopes that my reading them of my own accord will make them less of a bore, but I'm not holding my breath.

I have two weekends in a row off! Not only that, but one them is Memorial Day weekend! My boss is either being drugged up when she does the schedule or she's been possessed by someone who actually gives a damn. Either way, I'm off. So this weekend X-Men;I'm holding you to that Heather. ^^ Other than that, I dunno. But next weekend Yoly's coming to town and I'm making her go shopping with me. I need clothes that fit. Plus, the last time I visited her, all we did was go to the mall. Payback man, payback. No, it was cool. There's really not much else to do where she lives. I'm not kidding.

Are any of you going to see The Da Vinci Code? I'm not sure if I want to see it. I have read the book, which left me less "inspired" than it seems to have left others. But having read it, my natural curiosity to see how they transformed it into film makes me want to see it. I don't know. Why has this book become what it is? It doesn't seem like it should have to me.

Happy 20th Birthday Aarika!
I hope you have/are having a wonderful day, and may all your wishes come true! :D

ETA: Ok, so um, Heather already did this.

So I'm watching Pride & Prejudice again, and I've decide to do my own sort of commentary while doing so. I apologize for the incomplete sentences. It was easier and faster that way. This movie is beautifully filmed. I wanted to actually watch it as well.
- Negative thought.
+ Positive thought.
| Thought.
( I do like him. I love him. )

I love Pride and Prejudice so much. Keira does such a wonderful job in this film. I love her as Lizzie. Matthew does an awesome job too. I love Darcy in this a lot. Although, as an actor overall, I prefer Colin Firth. Also, I have fallen more in love with England through this movie. I want to go so badly.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him or Her to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Help me remember this. Please.

"Am I really not enough?" Even as I feel the words escape my lips, I wonder if I really said them. He doesn't acknowledge it if I have. He just sits next to me, staring a hole into the wall across the room.

I sigh and sit up straighter. His shoulder brushes against mine, as he shifts away from me slightly. I bite my lip in frustration. Just the slightest touch from him sends electricity shooting down my spine, but why is he moving away from me? I am the one who should be angry. I am the one who's being hurt. I stand up quickly and turn to him.

"Who the hell gave you permission to be angry? You are not allowed to be angry or hurt, Eli. You are doing this. This is happening because you want it to. You haven't the right to feel anything." His eyes follow me, my hands as they flail, my legs as they give in underneath me and I fall. "I don't know what I'm doing."

He kneels in front of me and takes my face into his hands. His breath feels warm against my face and my lips long to touch his. I restrain myself and instead bring my hands over his. "You are killing me. I look at you and I feel as if I'm dying, little by little. Or am I already dead? Is this hell?"

He pulls away, stands up, and walks to the door. His hand reaches for the doorknob. I am up faster than even I thought I could ever be. The bastard will answer my question. He owes me that at least. I stand between the door and him, and this time I take his face into my hands.

I am not gentle like him. My touch is filled with my anger. My desperation. "Am I in hell? Have you brought me to hell?" He shakes his head, then wrenches himself out of my grasp. He slams the door behind him.

My vision is clouded with the tears I won't allow myself to cry, as I stare at my hands. They are wet with tears. His tears. I fall to the floor. "I really don't know what I'm doing."

Yesterday was nice. I don't often get days where I don't worry about anything. Met up with Heather, Steve, Ame, and Kyle for dinner. That was fun. I really don't see you all enough. You guys made me feel pretty, thank you. I felt stupid though, for not eating anything. I kinda, maybe don't know how to use chopsticks. ::shrugs:: Yup, I feel stupid. ^^

My little sister is getting married. Strangely, I do not feel at all jealous. I'm really proud of myself lately. I think 2006 will be a good year after all. I am so glad for that.

It's awkward standing in front of him like this. He's waiting for me to speak, but I can't. I can't get past his name. Suddenly, I hear him say mine and realize that everyone has left. It's just us now, and I have to say goodbye. The words still won't come.

He steps toward me, so there's only a foot or so between us. I can feel his breath on my neck, as he pulls me into a hug. I curse myself as I blink back the tears forming in my eyes. I start to pull away, but stop when I feel his lips on my cheek. I realize, now, is the time to let go of my fears. I turn my head just so.

I've never kissed anyone before, and it feels weird at first. Soon though, it stops being weird and starts being wonderful. I let myself cry now, because I can't believe I waited to do this until I couldn't.

"I'm sorry." I feel him say it, more than hear it. I'm not sure what he's sorry for. For leaving me or loving me? I know now that he does love me. I've never been more sure of anything.

I pull away quickly and smile at him. "Be happy." I walk toward the door, but stop when I feel his hand tugging at mine. I look first to our hands and then to his face. I give his hand a gentle squeeze, then pull mine away. I push open the door and turn just before walking out. "Be happy," I repeat. I smile slightly as the door closes between us.

I want to hit something until I feel it break under my touch. I want to scream until my throat shrivels up. I want to cry until no tears will come. I want to hate all of you. I want to hate everyone that has ever caused me pain, even a little bit. I want those people to hurt. I want their blood to boil in their veins. I feel like I'm about to explode with all the anger I feel.

Happy Holidays! I hope you all have a good holiday and stay healthy and safe. I'm working on that healthy part really hard, myself. Better go, my head really hurts.

This story refuses to be written. I'm craving a banana nut muffin and some tea. I think I'll take a break and get some tea. Unfortunately, there are no muffins to be had in this house and I haven't any will to go get some.

Just felt like sharing that with you.